Ambivalence
by Aly208
Summary: Why did you do it, Steve? Why? *Dark, slash, violation, attempted suicide, and AU*


_I know I should be really working on Desire, but I wanted to write this so badly. _

_Ponyboy is OOC for a huge reason. _

_I hope you guys enjoy this._

* * *

><p>Why did you do it, Steve?<p>

I had trusted you. I had trusted you with my love, my life, my _everything_.

You had been my protector, my lover, my _universe_.

But you broke me. You hurt me in such a horrible way that I hadn't even imagined that pain could sting that much.

You had repeatedly told me how much you loved me, how beautiful and special I was, and how meaningful I was to you.

Liar.

I don't know how you lied to me with such a sincere and caring face, but you had.

And you had manipulated me and my trust.

The pain you put me through was excruciating. I can still recall the way your dirty fingers had meandered my body, squeezing and touching every part you could find. Your lips had rarely left my own, only parting when you would hurl insults at me. Over and over again, you had thrust into me, no matter how many times I would tell you not to. You had seen the way I had struggled against your powerful grip, the way I had begged you to stop, the way I had sobbed because the agony (physically and emotionally) was so intense. You pretended to ignore it all. After you were done, you zipped up your pants and threatened that you'd beat me senseless if I told anyone. Then, you left.

And guess what, Steve?

_I told. _

To be honest, I hadn't meant to tell anyone. When you left, I had been so frightened that I actually considered running away just to never see you again. I didn't do that, of course. But when the rest of the gang besides you came over, I had forgotten to clean the mess that you had created. Soda had walked into our room and had freaked out. So, I had no choice but to tell them all.

Darry said he's going to kill you, Steve. He said that he's going to kill you, resurrect you, and kill you again slowly and painfully. Two-Bit and Dally both want to kick your head in, and, by the judge of how enraged they were, they probably meant that literally. Johnny, even shy Johnnycake, said how much he hates you and that he'll never forgive you. But Soda, he took it the worst. He was so distraught and furious that he had gone outside and started to beat the trashcans.

Don't worry, though; I know how much you genuinely care about Soda, even if you hate me. Soda came in after twenty minutes and he was calm again. But then he started talking about how much he regrets meeting you, and that his hatred for you couldn't even be contained in the capacity of the sun.

I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Now you had better run, Steve. Darry told me that he was going out, and Two-Bit and Dally were trailing right behind him. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what they're going to do and where they're going. And, to prove my point, Soda had been asking if he could go, but Darry said no.

So Soda and Johnny were left at home, trying to coax and comfort me. I can't stand being touched, and if I'm even lightly brushed by someone, I go into convulsions. My own brothers cannot attempt to hug me anymore.

I'm even more of a burden on them.

And I hate you for it.

I hate you so much, Steve, for putting me through this hell.

But I think there's something wrong with me.

I still love you.

I know I shouldn't love you. I should hate you, which I do, but I can't help but love you. It's such a conflicting emotion, and I hate it with such a passion.

I'm going to force myself to only hate you.

* * *

><p>Dally, Two-Bit, and Darry came back this morning, Steve. They wouldn't tell me anything that they did, but they told me that you wouldn't be within five miles of me ever again.<p>

I spotted blood on Two-Bit's shirt.

I started to bawl my eyes out.

* * *

><p>Last night, I laid in bed, sobbing. Soda tried to console me, but he only made it worse.<p>

The worst part was that I'm not sure if I was crying because of you or for you.

* * *

><p>It's been days since I've seen you, Steve. All I've been doing is moping around the house. Everyone, even Dally, tries to help me overcome this. But I can't. Thank God that this happened during the summer, because if this happened during school, I would've been failing every class.<p>

Every night I think about you. I dream about you dying, I dream about you being drastically hurt. I think about how you used to love me. Then I dream about the pain you inflicted on me, and I am so _confused. _

I always wake up sobbing uncontrollably, though. It happens so often that Soda doesn't even try to comfort me.

He's finally figured out that he and Darry can't help me.

No one can help me.

* * *

><p>I can never get you out of my head.<p>

I think I'm going nuts.

* * *

><p>I passed by your house today.<p>

I saw the for sale sign in front of it.

I ran faster than all of my track races combined.

* * *

><p>I don't know where I am anymore.<p>

Please help me, Steve, please.

* * *

><p>Darry eventually found me, just in case you were wondering. He was so mad, but he didn't yell. He didn't dare yell at me.<p>

He never does anymore.

No one does.

Should I be happy or sad?

* * *

><p>I spent all day in bed, thinking about you. Instead of going forward, your moving took me back about a million steps.<p>

And I hate you even more for it.

* * *

><p>Why can't you just stay here? Did they terrify you so badly that you have to move? The Steve Randle I knew was gallant, not some scaredy cat.<p>

* * *

><p>I can hear Soda and Darry talking about me in the kitchen now. They're discussing about how different I've become.<p>

I don't know if they mean physically or emotionally.

* * *

><p>Today, Two-Bit took Johnny and me to get some ice-cream.<p>

I asked him if he thought I was crazy.

He just smiled in a melancholy way and told me that I'll get better in the future.

Does that mean you'll come back, Steve?

* * *

><p>Steve, please, Steve. Come back.<p>

I forgive you, just please come home.

I want you. I miss you. I miss the way you'd tease me. I miss your swirly hair.

But most of all, I miss the way you used to love me.

* * *

><p>I'm going insane.<p>

I can't stand it here.

I'll do anything. Just come home, please . . .

Before I do something I'll regret.

* * *

><p>Today, I learned how to hug people without flinching, Steve.<p>

It's a shame that it took me almost committing suicide to do so.

* * *

><p>Soda and Darry are concerned about me.<p>

I know because I overheard them talking about sending me to the hospital.

I hate you, Steve.

You made me crazy.

You made me want to kill myself.

Everything is your fault.

Everything.

* * *

><p>I decided to run away. No way am I sticking around to be sent to a hospital.<p>

I left a note, though. I said that I love them, but I just can't stay.

I can't stay knowing you could be out there.

* * *

><p>Where are you, Steve?<p>

* * *

><p>This isn't funny, Steve.<p>

* * *

><p>STEVE!<p>

* * *

><p>I found you.<p>

* * *

><p><em>I fucking found you.<em>

* * *

><p>Stop rejecting me.<p>

Stop it.

Can't you see how much I love you?

* * *

><p>I told you to STOP!<p>

* * *

><p>I fucking hate you.<p>

* * *

><p>No. I take that back.<p>

I love you.

I really love you.

I love you so much.

Why can't you just love me?

* * *

><p>. . . What do you mean you're moving?<p>

I saw the sign, but that doesn't mean _you _have to leave. Your dad can move by himself.

* * *

><p>But I JUST found you!<p>

* * *

><p>I don't give a fuck if you raped me.<p>

I forgive you.

All I want is for you to come back.

Please.

* * *

><p>Don't leave me here.<p>

Don't you _dare _leave.

Stop . . . please. Stop.

* * *

><p>How could you just leave me here, Steve?<p>

How could you just leave me here as I'm _begging _and _sobbing _for you to come back?

* * *

><p>That's it.<p>

* * *

><p>I fucking hate you and my life.<p>

* * *

><p>Darry and Soda found me later.<p>

They tell me they're not sending me to the hospital.

I told them I saw you.

* * *

><p>I don't know why they got so mad when I said that.<p>

I think they're convinced that you're stalking me.

I laughed.

* * *

><p>No one ever leaves me alone.<p>

They're all afraid that I'll run off again and that I'll come after you.

No. I gave up on that paradise weeks ago.

* * *

><p>I did a new thing for a change.<p>

I started living once more.

* * *

><p>Yesterday, I didn't even think of you once.<p>

* * *

><p>I bet you'll never guess what happened.<p>

I started dating Two-Bit.

It's really nice.

He's not half as abusive as you were.

* * *

><p>Today's the first time in a month since I thought of you.<p>

* * *

><p>It feels fucking amazing to not think of you.<p>

* * *

><p>. . . So you come back, huh?<p>

You come back after years of being gone, and then expect me to come crawling back to you?

Boy, am I glad that Two-Bit sucker punched you.

* * *

><p>I told Darry, Soda, and the rest of the gang that you're back.<p>

Let me tell you, they did _not _take it well.

* * *

><p>Stop following me, Steve.<p>

* * *

><p>Stop.<p>

* * *

><p>I told you to FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE!<p>

* * *

><p>I threatened to call the cops on you if you wouldn't leave me be.<p>

* * *

><p>You should've just left.<p>

Again.

* * *

><p>Good.<p>

I hope you enjoy going to jail.

* * *

><p>Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I still love you.<p>

* * *

><p>That was one of the biggest lies I've ever told.<p>

I love Two-Bit now, not you.

* * *

><p>Guess what, Steve?<p>

I finally succeeded in hating you.

* * *

><p>So answer me again, Steve.<p>

Why did you do it?


End file.
